ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS
ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Just try reading this without laughing

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary

submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked

my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a

little something extra for my wife Julie.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.

The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no

long-term adverse affect on your assailant,allowing her adequate time to retreat

to safety.

WAY TOO COOL

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two

AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing . . .

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and

pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of

electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME !

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on

the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it

couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right ?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting

little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I

really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.

But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did

want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading

glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and

tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would

shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause

muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the

ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be

wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,

less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded

with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible

way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best . .

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one

side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from

such a tiny little old thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to

give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to

my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me

up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over

and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,

with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles

nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest

position, and tingling in my legs.

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to

a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to

avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one

note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap

yourself.

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand

by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be

considered conservative.

IT HURT LIKE HELL. . .

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at

that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and

surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the

fireplace.

The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it

originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My

face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed

88lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my

sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I

believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a

significant reward for their safe return.

P.S. My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, Loved the gift,

And now regularly threatens me with it. If you think education is difficult,

try being stupid .

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